Examining Bitterness and Its Antidote: Forgiveness

Categories: AACC BLOG

by AACC Staff

Bitterness is a cancer.

Bitterness can seem like a harmless, proper response to pain or betrayal. But make no mistake: every ounce of hurt one holds onto is toxic. Bitterness is a slow but deadly destroyer of relationships, a mental-health kryptonite, and a surefire way to distance people from God.

As a Christian counselor, pastor, or lay helper, you know how deeply rooted bitterness can become in a person’s heart—but you also know that there is hope. Let’s first define bitterness to understand how to help people harboring bitterness.

What is Bitterness?

Bitterness is an attitude of extended, harbored anger often accompanied by resentment and a desire for revenge (Clinton & Hawkins, 2024). Usually traceable to an event or experience where someone was wronged or harmed, bitterness goes hand-in-hand with betrayal, being overlooked, or experiencing a disappointing outcome in a life event.

It is important to note, however, that bitterness does not have to go hand-in-hand with being wronged. Bitterness is a response to being wronged—a wound allowed to fester by people who repeatedly replay the harm done to them in their minds. While a betrayed but forgiving person is only harmed by their offender, a person who is both betrayed and embittered is harmed by their offender and themselves.

As counselors, we must correctly diagnose bitterness as a spiritual issue. When someone holds onto bitterness, they essentially withhold forgiveness, disobey God, and carry an undue burden on their soul.

The Negative Impacts of Bitterness are Worse Than You Think

Studies have shown that people who harbor bitterness and resentment are more prone to chronic stress, which can lead to an increased risk of heart disease, weakened immune systems, and higher levels of cortisol, the body’s primary stress hormone.

Psychologically, bitterness can create a sense of emotional paralysis. It traps individuals in the past and prevents them from moving forward or experiencing joy. Over time, bitterness can erode a person’s sense of self-worth, lead them to believe they are powerless to change or heal and hinder their relationship with God and others.

How to Overcome Bitterness Through Forgiveness

At the heart of overcoming bitterness is the biblical command to forgive. Ephesians 4:31-32 reminds us, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Forgiveness is not about excusing the wrong done to us; it is about waiving the right to get even with the person who hurt us. Deeper than any one decision, forgiveness occurs when the cold feelings of unforgiveness are changed to loving, benevolent feelings that stem from a transformed heart (Clinton & Hawkins, 2009). To forgive is to not seek vengeance, trust that God is just, and cultivate love toward the offender.

Forgiving can be challenging. For many, it requires time, prayer, and work to overcome deep wounds and genuinely forgive. If you’re counseling someone who is harboring bitterness, here are some steps you can take with your client:

Accept: Tell the client to begin by making a list of people who hurt them. From there, have the client write the need each person failed to provide, how it felt when that person did not meet their need, and whether or not they will ever be able to meet it. Lastly, encourage your counselee to accept and grieve their loss.
Choose to Forgive: The Christian client should then pray and ask God to help them forgive—realizing they are powerless to forgive apart from God. Your client can also ask God to help them feel compassion for their offender.
Seek to rewrite family history: Sometimes, bitterness runs through families. Parents who harbor bitterness often fail to address their children’s needs, and when those children become parents, the cycle can repeat itself without repentant forgiveness. If the person you are counseling has a family history of bitterness, have them pray and ask God to help them break this toxic family cycle.
Consult the Creator and Depend on Him: Encourage your client to seek God’s provision for their emotional needs through scripture, prayer, and community—ideally, in a healthy local church. Whether through a small group, a prayer partner, a friend, a family member, or a Christian mentor, God can meet your client’s emotional needs.

In Conclusion

Freedom from bitterness is accomplished through sincere, heartfelt forgiveness. While resentment may seem like a protective shield against additional hurt, it only harms the person harboring it. By letting go of vexation and showing grace, individuals can release the toxic grip of bitterness on their hearts.

As a Christian counselor, pastor, or lay helper, your role is pivotal in guiding others toward this freedom. Encouraging Christians you counsel to face their pain, grieve their losses, and choose forgiveness allows them to move forward. With God’s help, they can break free from the emotional and spiritual chains that bitterness creates and step into a life marked by the fruit of the Spirit. Ultimately, the antidote to bitterness is found in surrendering it to God, trusting His justice, and obeying His command to forgive.

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References

Clinton, T., & Hawkins, R. (2024). The quick-reference guide to biblical counseling (2nd ed.). Baker Books.