Four Keys to Building Friendship in Marriage

Categories: AACC BLOG

by Mitzi Brown, M.A., LMHC, LPC

Most of us know what initially attracts us to someone—personality, appearance, reputation, etc. But friendship, more than any of those qualities, may be one of the most important aspects of marriage.

I know this was the case with my marriage. Friendship served us well over our many years of marriage. It helped us maintain our love and affection for one another when sickness stripped away other qualities of our marriage. I cannot imagine navigating those difficult times without friendship.

Ideally, friendship is an excellent place for relationships to grow before marriage. Friendship uncovers likes and dislikes, creates trust, and unearths character.

Friendship is where we can observe consistency between words and actions, note humility or lack thereof, and discover if kindness and affection persist under challenging circumstances. We can also learn how to handle conflict and forgive when hurts occur.

A Bible-based friendship is like having a house built on a firm foundation. When the wind and waves come, your house will not get blown down or washed away (English Standard Version (ESV), Matt. 7.24-27). And throughout a lifetime relationship, wind and waves will come. Not if, but when.

Every marriage has difficult seasons. Sometimes, even blessings like children present difficulties and strain on marriages. Other times, crises like financial difficulty, job loss, sickness, and family drama create distance between husband and wife. Intentionally maintaining friendship through all of these is a key to longevity in marriage—and that often means making time when it feels like there’s none to spare.

The following points reference a few examples of biblical friendships with characteristics that would be helpful in marriage. Even though the examples are not marital relationships, marital wisdom can still be gleaned from them.

While these are not perfect, problem-free relationships, I’m thankful for their imperfection—it makes them real!

Characteristics of a Thriving Marital Friendship

Believing the best: God promised Abraham a son in his old age and delivered on His promise in a miraculous way. Abraham believed God—and because he believed God, he was called a friend of God (ESV, Jas. 2:23). Abraham’s belief was based on a lifelong history of knowing God’s character—just as one’s belief in their spouse should be (ESV, Gen. 22.1-19; Heb. 11.19).

Marriages thrive when each spouse believes the best about their partner and accurately remembers the marital foundation of kindness and faithfulness. While a pattern of abuse should never be ignored or glossed over, things can sour when one assumes the worst about a spouse’s motives or character.
Being on the same team: Jonathan and David’s friendship puts this one on center stage. They swore a covenant of friendship and loyalty to one another, supported one another in the face of danger, and loved each other selflessly and sacrificially. Being on the same team is essential in marriage and parenting. Practically speaking, think of pulling in the same direction toward a common goal—being equally yoked (ESV, 2 Cor. 6.14).
Accepting influence from one another: Naomi and Ruth traded influence at different times in their relationship. Despite Naomi’s initial discouragement, Ruth clung to her mother-in-law and her God, and their friendship grew (ESV, Ruth 1.8,11-12,16-18).

Some godly ways of accepting influence from one another include valuing your spouse’s desires, being willing to compromise during disagreements, submitting to and honoring the other in accordance with Scripture (ESV, Eph 5:22-33), praying and studying God’s Word together, and being willing to attend marital counseling when your spouse asks.

It’s also great to seek marriage groups at your church and befriend other couples who keep Christ at the center of their marriages and lives. Just as you and your spouse should accept influence from one another, take influence from other Godly couples!
Faithfulness: Proverbs 17:17 says that a friend loves at all times. If we have friendship in marriage, we decide to love when hurts and disagreements create tension. Love is a decision—not a feeling. There will be lots of times when you don’t feel loving toward your spouse, but the heart is deceitful above all things (Jer. 17:9), and everything Christians do should be done in love (ESV, 1 Cor. 16:14)

Spiritual and emotional maturity are necessary for this humble approach to relationships. Although Scripture does not say how Paul, Barnabas, and Mark reconciled, reconciliations seldom occur by accident. Paul, Barnabas, and Mark likely worked to reconcile their friendship—and they did (ESV, 1 Cor. 9.6; 2 Tim. 4.11). Faithfulness goes the extra mile.

However, there are unhealthy relationships that result in verbal, emotional, spiritual, financial, and sexual abuse.

What Companionship with Your Spouse Shouldn’t Be

Unfortunately, people in abusive relationships fail to recognize abuse because they lack objectivity. Sometimes, the victim in these relationships is even told they are the problem.

A marital friendship should not habitually include behaviors John Gottman calls The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling (Lisitsa, 2024). Unfortunately, many of those ruinous forms of communication are learned in families of origin and brought along as ugly habits into marriage.

These four damaging communication patterns are highly predictive of divorce when they occur pervasively in couples (Lisitsa, 2024). Sadly, these are present and firmly entrenched in nearly every couple who comes to me for counseling.

If you’re in an abusive or unhealthy relationship, think you might be, or you are not sure, seek Bible-based, Christian counseling. Trying to deepen a relationship with an abusive, manipulative partner could make things worse.

Love God and One Other Faithfully

Friendships, like any other relationship, require maintenance. Each of the biblical friendships discussed maintained intentional connection, conversation, and exchange of ideas, needs, and desires. Friendships remain strong when each person intentionally makes time for the other and invests in the relationship.

Misunderstandings and disagreements are a part of nearly every marriage. Ignoring hurts and fractures allows them to grow, and complacency kills. Address issues with your spouse maturely and respectfully, and seek reconciliation.

Share this information with your spouse and ask how you can be a better friend to them. Be open to receiving feedback on what it feels like from their perspective. Submit to the Holy Spirit’s direction and encourage your spouse to do the same.

Practice friendship in your marriage, and cultivate love for God and one another.

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Mitzi Brown is a licensed therapist in Florida and Georgia. She graduated from Liberty University with her master’s degree in professional counseling in 2018 and has been in private practice since then. Mitzi’s website is www.thewelltherapy.com.

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English Standard Version Bible. (2001). Crossway/Good News Publishers.

Lisitsa, E. (2024, August 6). The four horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/