Rebuilding Broken Trust

Categories: AACC BLOG

When a relationship suffers a severe breach of trust, it signals it is in deep trouble. If the relationship is to be fully restored, trust needs to be rebuilt—and the process of rebuilding trust takes time and effort.

Sometimes, the burden of trusting again is unfairly placed on the betrayed person and linked with forgiveness. The thinking goes like this: “If you forgive me, then what happened between us is in the past. We no longer need to discuss this, and trust should automatically be restored.”

But that’s not true. We can genuinely forgive someone but still not trust them. We forgive because God commands us to, not necessarily because the person we’re forgiving is sorry, repentant, or genuinely interested in rebuilding trust.

Reconciliation of the relationship, including trusting again, requires more than just forgiveness. It also requires the one who broke trust to show genuine repentance and make sincere efforts to repair the relationship.

Here are three areas where trust can be broken and rebuilt if a relationship is to be restored.

1. Authenticity

When you are close to someone with one persona in public and another in private, you will not trust them. You don’t trust their public image (i.e., great guy) because you also witness their private side. This person’s core self is not authentic, so they cannot and should not be trusted.

To rebuild trust with an inauthentic person, they must acknowledge their false image and learn to be more real. In most instances, double-minded people are reluctant to recognize and change their hypocrisy. They get more devious when confronted.

2. Reliability

When we are in a personal or professional relationship with someone, we want to know whether we can count on them to do what they say they will do. We also expect those we’re in relationships with to stop doing the things they say they will stop doing.

When rebuilding trust with someone proven unreliable, look beyond their words. Look at their actions. For example, consider whether he follows through on promises to stop looking at pornography. She says she will stop drinking or racking up credit card debt, but does she actually stop?

Does he claim to want marriage restoration but refuse marriage counseling? Does she tell you she will try to call you more often and help build a more mutual relationship, only never to dial your number?

Proverbs 25:19 says, “Putting confidence in an unreliable person in times of trouble is like chewing with a broken tooth or walking on a lame foot.” It’s foolish.

John Mark was unreliable and, as a result, lost the apostle Paul’s trust (See Acts 15). Later, we see that trust was restored—not because Paul naively trusted him—but because John Mark proved himself worthy of Paul’s trust again (2 Timothy 4:11).

Empty promises erode trust—but being consistently reliable rebuilds trust that’s been eroded.

3. Care

In our closest relationships, there should be evidence that we’re cared for, heard, and understood. Unfortunately, the opposite is true in some relationships. Instead of feeling valued, uncaring relationships can make us feel mocked, disliked, avoided, and invaluable.

Proverbs 31:11-12 says, “The heart of her husband trusts in her.” Why? Because “He trusts her to do him good and not harm all the days of his life.” The Proverbs 31 woman and her husband have a special relationship marked by mutual care and trust.

Love does not intentionally harm others (Romans 13:10). If weakness and sin lead to harm, care must be demonstrated, and efforts must be made to make amends.

It’s true; it does hurt our feelings (and pride) to hear how we have hurt someone. It takes effort to listen and care about the other person’s feelings when you have broken their trust. Yet, rebuilding trust is not possible without consistent compassion, empathy, and care for the other.

And if we don’t trust that someone cares for our well-being, a close relationship with that person is not possible.

Rebuilding broken trust takes time and specific evidence of change, not merely words or promises of change.