Understanding the Origins and Dangers of Perfectionism

Categories: AACC BLOG

Today, research indicates that as much as a third of adolescents and adults struggle with perfectionism, which is the feeling that anything short of perfection is unacceptable (NIH, 2021).

You may have experienced it, watched clients wrestle with it, or both. Regardless of how perfectionism manifests in your life, we all know what it is like to feel pressure to be perfect. We also know what it’s like to feel perfection is possible, even though it isn’t.

There have been seasons in my life when I felt I needed to be perfect—like graduate school, when my first child was born, and when I wrote my first book. Although my intentions were good, perfection was never actually attainable. The harder I strived for perfection, the more frustrating reminders I received that perfection was impossible. Maybe you can relate.

While being perfectionistic can seem helpful, perfectionism can lead to depression, anxiety, spiritual disconnection, and even suicidality.

Like most mental health challenges, this condition’s prevalence has risen in recent years (Curran, 2021). Some attribute this trend to living in a world where we are increasingly expected to do more with less energy, enthusiasm, and resources than ever. Others see the rise of perfectionism as related to social and personal pressure from social media. Others see it as part of the fallout from living in a broken, isolating, and demanding world.

Unfortunately, the rise of perfectionism has highlighted how complex the condition has been to research and treat. It is a multifaceted problem deeply rooted in psychological factors, social and relational expectations, and misconceptions about what it means to be successful. There has been growing interest in perfectionism in recent years (NIH, 2021), but there’s still much to learn.

Here’s what we know about perfectionism’s origins:

What are the Origins of Perfectionism?

Perfectionism often manifests as a set of expectations experienced in one of three distinct ways.

The pressure we put on ourselves
Pressure absorbed from others (socially prescribed) or
Pressure projected onto others (other-oriented).

For example, a student trying to get the highest grades, earn the best test scores, and participate in every extracurricular activity to build an outstanding medical school application is exhibiting self-inflicted perfectionism.

Counselors, therapists, and pastors often experience socially prescribed perfectionism. Demanding bosses or partners can cause others to experience other-oriented perfectionism.

Historically, people attributed perfectionism to demanding childhoods—but with social media’s advent and large-scale adoption, perfectionism has increased among those who may not have experienced it while growing up. Today, it is easier than ever to find an infinite amount of proof that we could be better—and that proof has led many to struggle.

Whether we develop perfectionism at an early age or as adults, perfectionism takes a toll on mental health, relational health, and our faith.

How Do I Deal with Perfectionism?

Simply put, perfectionism is impossible no matter how much we try. It just can’t be done.

But strangely, understanding that can be freeing.

Here are three things you can do to help with perfectionism:

Give yourself and others grace. Augustine, C.S. Lewis, and God himself have spoken about the power of grace in our lives and the lives of others. If you have repented and trusted in Christ for salvation, you have all the grace you’ll ever need. Receive it.
Theodore Roosevelt said, “Comparison is the thief of joy,” and he was right. Focus on doing your best instead of setting expectations based on what others are doing.
Understand where the pull to perfectionism is originating from. When you understand how and why perfectionism appears, you can do something about it.

Lastly, remember this quote from Alfred Fidler:

“Have the courage to be imperfect.”

May you be more courageous than perfect.

_________________________________________________________________________________________

Jason VanRuler is one of the most sought-after therapists for relationships, trauma, and personal transformation. He has helped thousands show up as their best selves, get connected, and have exceptional relationships.

Jason has spoken on stages to thousands and specializes in topics like Trauma, Integrity, Burnout, and Relational Intimacy and Connection.

Jason has also been featured in renowned media outlets such as the New York Times, Fox News, and many others. He is also the author of the #1 Amazon Best Selling “Get Past Your Past, How Facing Your Broken Places Leads to True Connection,” with forward by Bob Goff.