The “V” Word: What Vulnerability Is and Isn’t

Categories: AACC BLOG

by Mitzi Brown, M.A., LMHC, LPC

It’s cringeworthy for many people, that word: Vulnerability.

What images, beliefs, and meanings are stirred up when you hear that word? For some, vulnerability evokes unbearable emotions and takes them back to a time and place when betrayal happened or terrible harm was done. Maybe your mind flashes back to being harmed, screamed at, or frightened for your life—or perhaps being vulnerable makes you feel helpless and powerless.

People often conclude, based on life experience, that vulnerability is an undesirable characteristic. And while that isn’t necessarily true, vulnerability is risky.

There is always the potential for someone to take advantage of us, treat us unkindly, not return offered affection, or outright reject us. That’s all true.

Yet vulnerability is necessary for an authentic and caring relationship—and with the right person, vulnerability is worth the risk.

What is Vulnerability?

Author and speaker Brené Brown has written and spoken extensively on the virtues of vulnerability. She has a PhD and has done extensive research on the topic—much of it, she admits, in the search for her own healing. She writes:

“Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, joy, courage, empathy, and creativity. It is the source of hope, empathy, accountability, and authenticity. If we want greater clarity in our purpose or deeper and more meaningful spiritual lives, vulnerability is the path,” (Brown, 2015).

I don’t know where Brown sits spiritually, but I believe she at least skims the surface of spiritual and relational truth in this quote. The birthplace of love (1 John 4:7-8, 19), joy (Psalm 16:11), courage (Isiah 40:29; Joshua 1:19; Psalm 23:4), empathy (2 Corinthians 1:4), and creativity (Genesis 1; Psalm 139) is God—not vulnerability. Nevertheless, vulnerability is a characteristic we must embrace to develop authentic intimacy with God and others.

Only when we drop our defenses and stop hiding—first from God and then from others—do we expand our capacities to give and receive love and encouragement joyfully. And this kind of vulnerability isn’t just about connection—it’s also about love.

Jesus says in John 13:34 (ESV), “A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.” He calls it a commandment—without qualifiers, conditional statements, or quid pro quos. Doesn’t leave much wiggle room, does it?

Knowing God’s character—His faithfulness, provision, care, loving discipline, and willingness to rescue as displayed throughout Scripture—helps us trust and rely on Him for daily needs. Knowing God’s character also helps us grow in love for Him because the more we learn about God, the more aware we become of how fully He knows us and how deeply He loves us.

Vulnerability with God is a natural result of realizing what He’s done for us—and when we learn to extend vulnerability (being known) to God, we’re enabled to extend vulnerability and be known to those who earn our trust.

What Vulnerability is Not

Vulnerability is not hiding.

We are designed and already fully known by God. That’s incredible—God has seen all the mess-ups, sins, rebellion, and downright unkind or ungodly things His children have done, and He loves us anyway (Psalm 139; 1 John 4:19; 1 Corinthians 13:12 (ESV)). Because of deceit, Satan, and the shame of sin, we hide—but we do so in futility because God knows everything. The first instance of hiding and broken vulnerability is recounted in Genesis 3:1-10 (ESV).

To be clear, some people are untrustworthy, and discernment is needed to see things clearly without distortions from old wounds.

Vulnerability is not telling the stranger in the grocery line your life story. It is not oversharing with people you barely know. It is not granting unearned trust access to your inner sanctum, deepest desires, biggest hurts, most embarrassing failures, or messed-up childhood.

Vulnerability is not doling out trust to people who have not yet earned it. Trust is earned over time through behaviors aligning with what is spoken.

Vulnerability does not project hurt onto others through anger, aggression, demands, stonewalling, defensiveness, or contempt. These types of interactions, attitudes, and ways of speaking are wall-building relationship destroyers—venomous toxins sure to create roadblocks and eventually kill relational intimacy.

The first step in learning to be vulnerable is discerning which people have earned a place of trust in your heart. Generally, this requires the capacity for emotional maturity and vulnerability from each party to the relationship, especially in a marital relationship.

What Vulnerability Does

Vulnerability tears down relational walls by being authentic and responsible for recognizing personal woundedness, biases, and emotions and being able to share authentically from that perspective. Vulnerability takes ownership of feelings and needs with people who have earned a place in my inner sanctum—those who have demonstrated over time, with words and accompanying behavior, that they can be trusted.

Vulnerability says, “I feel sad today. It’s the anniversary of my mother’s death, and it has just taken my feet out from beneath me.” Being vulnerable requires a high degree of self-awareness as well as an ability to distill the complexities of an unsettled internal state into words that are inviting to trusted parties who can help.

Vulnerability responds with empathy, “Oh,” it says. “I didn’t realize that was today. Let’s sit and talk about what you’re feeling,” or “Today must be a rough day. How long has she been gone?”.

Vulnerability might also say, “I’ve missed you. I’d love it if we could spend some time together”. Vulnerability would not say, “You never have time for me. I’m not sure you even care about me.”

See the difference here. What was activated in you when you read the first statement? What about the second statement?

The Way Forward: Calluses Removed

Vulnerability is possible when we allow the calluses to be scrubbed from our hearts by God’s overwhelming, never-ending love. In God’s perfect love, and only there, can we relax our defenses and become vulnerable with appropriately vetted people—and possibly some help correcting distorted perceptions. Steeped in the love of God, hurts can be healed, and we can be transformed by the renewing of our minds in Christ (Romans 12:2).

Do we ever get it perfect? Goodness, no. Not here on earth. It’s about progress, not perfection. So, as we are healed and transformed by God’s love, we can increasingly allow vulnerability in the form of love to overflow—spilling out onto others around us quite naturally.

This overflow transformation creates the intended environment for marriages to mirror the intimate, protective, and nurturing relationship God intends for us to have with Him.

If you would like help journeying in this direction, a good pastor, biblical coach, or Christian counselor can often help guide spouses toward renewed trust and vulnerability.

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Mitzi Brown is a licensed therapist in Florida and Georgia. She graduated from Liberty University with her master’s degree in professional counseling in 2018 and has been in private practice since then. Mitzi’s website is www.thewelltherapy.com.

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References

Brown, B. (2015). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead. New York, New York: Avery, an imprint of Penguin Random House.

English Standard Version Bible. (2001). ESV Online. Crossway. https://esv.org